I have smoked a pipe ever since I was a naive nineteen year old Bible College student. Indeed I did break the quite serious rule of tobacco use while enrolled in my fundamentalist school. It was a secret I had to keep from even the closest of friends for fear of expulsion. It’s nothing I’m proud of, but such is life sometimes.

I was in the library of that school one afternoon after a  course on Greek drama browsing the (very small) fiction section when my eyes fell on the name “Tolkien.” I had heard the name J.R.R. Tolkien my entire life. I knew in the peripheries of my memory that he was the author of The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, and had always intended to read both books. Being raised in a family of non-readers, my childhood and adolescent reading lists were limited and what books I did have under my belt were next to worthless. I was drawn to the old paperback copy of The Fellowship of the Ring. I checked it out and began reading it as soon as I arrived home.

I was immediately obsessed. I read everything I could find with the Professor’s name on it, eventually finding a biography where I learned the quite shocking news that this pipe smoking, beer drinking old (gasp) secular university professor was a Christian. This was around the time that I was introduced to C.S. Lewis as well.

This was a divine revelation. I wanted to be this old man. A Christian who could write stories like this and smoke a pipe? I went out and bought the cheapest pipe I could find at the local drug store and an enormous bag of Cavendish tobacco. My first pipe smoking experience was not what I expected. Ignorant to the subtleties of pipe smoking, I crammed a palm-full of tobacco into the bowl and lit up. The fire died in less than five seconds. I lit it again, and again, and again. I could barely pull air through the stem (or as I knew it then, “the black plastic part”) because the tobacco was so tightly packed, and I had never heard the words “tamping tool” before. I used an entire book of matches and never finished the bowl.

Over the next couple of years, I honed my smoking skills. I found some websites devoted to pipe smoking instruction and learned a little by trial and error. The greatest benefit, however, was when I met an elderly gentleman who worked at the local Tinderbox. His name was John. He had a long white beard, which was much longer than my current beard, stained yellow around the mouth from cigars and pipes. (Never smoke cigarettes Mr. Sullivan, it’s not even real tobacco.) Sadly he passed away last year. John took time and countless bowls full of store merchandise to introduce me to the art. I became his apprentice and thanks to him, I was given a job at the shop.

The shop, coupled with a few more years of experience, allowed me to perfect the pipe smoking experience into a fine-tuned ritual. I gave up on cheap tobaccos and moved to pricier tinned tobacco of exotic varieties from all over the world. I upgraded my pipe multiple times (the pipe in the picture was a pricy pipe I got for free after jump starting the shop owner’s car) and the pipe eventually became an indispensable part of my persona.

All that being said, there are a few secret tips I’d like to share. I recently introduced a friend to pipe smoking at a mutual friend’s birthday party, but was unable to take the time to share these with him then, but I don’t want him or anyone else to have to spend years of wasted tobacco (= time + money + irritation) so here are a few helpful tips:

1. Gravity Feed the Pipe.

Don’t cram the tobacco into the pipe. Get a pinch of tobacco and let it sprinkle into the bowl. When the tobacco reaches the top of the bowl, gently push it down with your finger, not your tamping tool. Push it down gently, and when the tobacco begins to tighten a little, release it. Fresh tobacco should have a little springiness to it at this point. Do this about three times and the bowl should be full.

2. Double-Tap.

This is not only essential in the elimination of zombies, but also in pesky air pockets in the bowl. After each gravity fill, before you press down with your finger, a good double tap to the side of the bowl will settle the tobacco and prevent the smolder from dying in mid smoke.

3. Dry run.

When the bowl is full after a few gravity feeds and double taps, give it a puff with no fire. See how it pulls. There needs to be a little resistance, but not enough to make smoking a jaw exercise. It’s a personal thing, and it’ll take a few tries before you know where it should be.

4. Double light.

When the bowl is full and the draw feels good, light the tobacco while pulling slowly. Make sure you light the entire top layer. Then, against your instinct, stop smoking. The tobacco will have expanded slightly from the heat. Pull out your trusty tamper and gently flatten the tobacco. Be sure not to tamp hard enough to alter the pull you worked hard to perfect. Relight the entire top layer. After perfecting the double light, you will have far fewer relights.

5. You don’t always need fire to relight.

I have found that when the pipe goes out, I can cover the pipe with my hand and pull hard on the stem, allowing just a bit of air to come through the top. This creates a sort of vacuum, and due to physics that I don’t understand, the pipe will relight. This will not only save your butane and matches, but it will prevent the nasty flavor of over burned tobacco. This takes some practice.

6. Pipe cleaners are cheap. Use them.

Regardless of the angle at which you hold your pipe, the burning process creates a pool of foul juice at the bottom of the bowl which will eventually make its way to your mouth. Just use a pipe cleaner to swab it as soon as you hear a gurgle. Just do it.

7. Why is the rum always gone?

Well Jack, because it makes a fine pipe cleaner. Rum will remove the nasties that accumulate inside your pipe while adding it’s own distinct flavor to the briar. What you don’t want to do it get a paper towel wet with pipe cleaning fluid (rum or otherwise) and scrub the inside of the bowl. Smoking will create a thin layer of carbon and other substances on the inside of the bowl. This is a good thing. Don’t scrub it off. Get a bit of uniodized salt and a bottle of cheap rum. Remove the stem from the pipe and fill both ends of the bowl with the salt. Make sure the salt goes to the top of the bowl. CAREFULLY pour in a bit of rum, enough to wet all the salt, and let it sit overnight. Getting rum on the outside of the pipe or on the stem will remove the shine and make your pipe look like crap. The next morning, carefully remove the now brown salt cake with your tamper. You need only do this rarely. I guess you could use bourbon too. Whatever.

There’s a few helpful tips. I’ll think of more as I sit here and smoke this pipe.